A Right Royal Pain In The…
The Royal Family. They’re just like us… apart from the money, title and instant social access. Still, they’re just as prone – if not more so – to picking up the odd nasty ailment as we are. However, the silver-spoon chewing classes seem especially susceptible to illnesses where gratuitous self-indulgence plays a large part…
Ropes and Levers
So who did eat all the pies? The answer in the 15th century would most likely be Henry VIII (1491-1547). It turns out that the only thing bigger than his appetite for bedding, be-wedding and beheading was his partiality to gorging himself.
So fat was Henry that it took a series of ropes and levers to get him out of bed. The effect of all those calories on his system was calamitous; the King developing the symptoms of what modern medical experts now suggest is diabetes (it was previously argued that this was syphilis, and is still a subject of much hot debate). This meant that the terrible ulcers on his leg never healed properly, turning pussy, his feet eventually becoming gangrenous.
Rampage of Debauchery
In Royal circles, STDs were nearly as rampant as in-breeding. One of big surprises of Charles II (1630-85) life was not that the legendary hedonist – with a reported 17 illegitimate children by as many mistresses – picked one up, but that he managed to avoid doing so until he was in his mid-40s!
At around the same time, over the channel, the Sun King Louis XIV of France (1638-1715) wasn’t so lucky, catching gonorrhoea from one of the ladies of his bedchamber at the tender age of 17.
But the Reformation’s most scandalous aristo was John Wilmot, The Earl of Rochester (1647-1680). The end result of the libertine poet and playwright’s impressive rampage of debauchery was a twin dose of gonorrhoea and syphilis and death at the age of 33. The severity of his combined STD’s literally crumbled away his good looks.
200 years later and 16 year old Prince “Eddy” Albert Victor (1864-1892) – Queen Victoria’s favourite grandson – was said to have contracted syphilis during a navy tour. A popular rumour was that it was Prince Eddy who committed the Jack the Ripper murders, driven mad by pain and wreaking vengeance on ladies of the night.
The conspiracy has been completely discredited by historians and “Ripperologists”, but then unfounded rumours about royals getting away with murder have always been popular…
A Nasty Case of Piles
Poor George III (1738-1820). His historical reputation was ruined after being sectioned and straight-jacketed for being mad and delusional, at one point making sexual advances to a lady of the bedchamber. Modern historians suggest that he actually had porphyria, a rare blood disease – especially in men – that was probably triggered by the heavy amount of arsenic in his hair products, over 300 times the toxic level.
An uncomfortable malady befell the abdicated Czar Nicholas II (1868-1918). Already in exile and imprisoned with his family – eventually being executed by Bolsheviks – he developed a nasty case of piles during the cold Russian winter.
As he wrote in his diary: “I was in pain all day from my haemorrhoids, and for that reason lay on the bed, as it made it easier to apply compresses…”
Another famous haemorrhoid sufferer was Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 – 1821), Emperor of France. One professor has claimed that he fatally delayed his attack at Waterloo because of his pain – the tension of the battle greatly tightening his sphincter muscles. Curiously, this didn’t make it into the ABBA song.
Cigarettes and Alcohol
It’s always a bit grim having to cough your way through an engagement. The late Princess Margaret (1930-2002) developed bronchitis in 1981, just three years after getting over hepatitis, though this was in part due to the infamously unhealthy Princess’ habit of smoking up to 60 strong Chesterfield cigarettes a day and her yen for Famous Grouse whisky.
“He was not much for planning ahead,” quoted one of President John F. Kennedy’s (1917-1965) many female ‘acquaintances’ on his approach to safe sex. That would probably explain why he developed chronic urethritis after college.
It left the President with a nasty pain during urination and ejaculation, the latter of which was especially unfortunate for the notorious womaniser. “You know,” he once told pals, “I get a migraine headache if I don’t get a strange piece of ass every day.” Apparently JFK didn’t get many migraines either.
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