Embarrassing Illnesses

A Quack's Guide To Embarrassing Illnesses

It can be embarrassing enough seeking treatment for socially awkward illnesses in the 21st century when we are blessed with advanced medical knowledge and professional healthcare, but in bygone times when expert advice was either too expensive or simply unavailable, DIY home remedies were often the only option.

Dangerous and Ineffective

Until more recent times, the lack of medical regulation meant that so-called “quack” physicians could patent all manner of loony remedies for a whole spectrum of disorders with little or no medical evidence to back up their claims. At best these cures were ineffective; at worst they were downright dangerous and, in the cases of the quack remedies listed below, many were simply bonkers.

So, prepare yourself for a whistle-stop tour of some of the barmiest cures we could find in our attempt to get to the bottom (and indeed sometimes up the bottom) of what it was like to treat some seriously unfortunate conditions using some seriously questionable methods.

Munching on Worms

Take obesity for instance. This growing problem in modern Britain is combated today through a combination of healthy eating and exercise, or in extreme cases, surgery. Either way, the results take some effort and motivation on behalf of the afflicted. Surely there must be an easier way?

Well in the 1930s a miracle arrived in the form of a diet that promised to help overweight ladies shed excess pounds using a very special dietary supplement. What was this miracle ingredient? Live tapeworms.

That’s right, the conscientious slimmer in the 1930s would wilfully ingest a thriving colony of “friends for a fair form” in order to keep her figure svelte and her man happy. Thank god for feminism and the Atkins diet.

But whilst munching on worms is certainly an unpleasant prospect, things can get a whole lot dodgier when you shift focus to the other end of the alimentary canal and tackle the subject of piles. And our next miracle cure for haemorrhoids is guaranteed to make your eyes water.

Stimulate the “Vital Spot”

The wondrous “Recto Rotor” from 1930 was billed as “The latest and most efficient invention for the quick relief of piles, constipation and prostate troubles”. Unfortunately this “medical” device would have looked more at home in a branch of Ann Summers than it would down your local Boots pharmacy.

Six inches long and resembling a cross between Blackpool Tower and an exocet missile, the Recto Rotor was to be inserted gently into the anus to relieve and stimulate the “vital spot”. Given that it also vibrated and had a built-in self lubricating mechanism, you could be forgiven for thinking that the purpose of this little beauty wasn’t strictly medical at all. Add to this the fact that it was advertised as being “Large enough to be efficient. Small enough for anyone over 15 years old” and I think you’ll agree that this product is heading into some very dark territory indeed (and I don’t mean your colon).

Wonder Cure

Mind you, a belly full of parasites and a violated anus seem like attractive options when compared to the fate of the poor saps who tried to treat their health problems in the 1920s. Here in an age of Jazz, prosperity and post-war optimism a brand new miracle drug was all the rage: radium.

Endorsed by health gurus everywhere (including a certain Frank Kellogg, inventor of the cornflake) radium was hailed as a wonder cure for illnesses as diverse as cancer, constipation, eczema, arthritis, high blood pressure and piles. From irradiated water coolers to atomic topical treatments, the quacks could hardly produce enough of the stuff to meet demand.

Then people started dying.

In one well known case a Pittsburg steel tycoon named Eben Beyers became so seriously ill after extensively imbibing a popular vitality-boosting radium tonic that he had to have his mouth and jaw removed in surgery. He died shortly after and his story made the front page of the New York Times, effectively ending the radium craze.

Restoring Sexual Virility

By far the most fertile ground for the opportunistic quack has to be the realm of male sexual dysfunction, as anyone with an email account full of unsolicited spam for impotence drugs can attest to. But at least we can credit the medical fraudsters of the past for showing a little more inventiveness in their dodgy dealings than merely peddling knock-off Viagra.

Take the case of “Doctor” John Romulus Brinkley, a bogus physician so unpleasant he’d make Victor Frankenstein feel queasy. Brinkley, a man of questionable medical training, pioneered a brand new form of treatment for restoring sexual virility in patients: goat glands.

Basing his discovery on the flimsy fact that goats tend to be a bit on the randy side, Brinkley had the bright idea of surgically implanting goat testicles into the scrotal sacks and abdomens of male and female patients suffering from sexual dysfunction.

As Brinkley operated in less-than-sterile conditions and often did so whilst intoxicated with booze, it comes as no surprise that several of his patients died from infections. What is surprising is that, with more than 16,000 people undergoing this bizarre treatment during Brinkley’s career, the death toll wasn’t higher.

So there we have it, a twisted history of treatment from a bygone age of embarrassing illnesses, from tapeworms to butt plugs via killer energy drinks, and surgically implanted goat bollocks.

Suddenly the NHS doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

Please note: Unfortunately Channel 4 cannot respond to individual inquiries. If you have any concerns, you can check out the Channel 4 Health site or NHS Choices, but ultimately it is always best to check with a health professional.

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